I have been making progress in my job.
Two things: selling my house forces me to be ready to show the whole thing, clean, at the same time. The house is close to ready, most of the time.
And: I have been making more time for my heart to seek fulfillment and I have been happier. I have felt like a kid again. And I look back on past years and see struggle and pain and depression that I didn't know was there. "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." (I've always hated that saying, actually). There certainly is truth to this.
It's painful to grow up, to mature and see how wrong-thinking you were about things, about yourself and the world. I'm still learning about who I am.
I've been exercising for almost two years now. I've been trying to improve my appearance by actually caring what I look like. I have three daughters and I know that I have to demonstrate strength and beauty to them through my actions and evidence.
--------
I've been thinking about coolness and confidence, snobbery and kindness. The quality of life that I want to create for my family walks the line of valuing beauty without becoming vain; of valuing excellence without looking down on people who don't strive in the same way.
I know a woman who is a writer. I tried to be her friend. She basically made me feel like I wasn't cool or smart enough to be her friend. It hurt. It was weird to read something of hers that described how someone made her feel excluded and how hard that was for her...so it hit me with force that she was treating me the same way. I stopped trying to be her friend. I didn't need the humiliation.
I don't want to be a snob. I am kind of a food snob, and a bit of a design snob (not that much any more because I know that not everyone can even afford what they like). But I hate the feeling that I get from some people I know that treat me as though they are smarter or better than I am and so my presence is superfluous or simply irritating. That just feels so lousy. If they were really better than I am, they would use their superior intelligence to lift others, to find the quality each person has and build it up. That would be a true genius. That would be a beautiful person.
I stumbled on a blog of a very beautiful person. She is confident and gorgeous and talented (from what I've seen). But she isn't a snob. She is filled with pure love for others. She shares her life lessons openly about loving yourself and loving God, about being confident. About creating a loving marriage.
I have always been a bit of a snob about not seeking the approval of others. Being "cool" seemed to take people down the wrong road. I wanted none of that. I thought I was above "cool", maybe even better than "cool." Ah, pride and its ugly head.
I see myself wanting a little bit of cool now though. Not being popular, but being my best self: dressing nicely, taking good care of my health and body and looking my best. I can see I think that inner confidence like Mara has can only make people strive to be better and to feel joy in this life we have before us. Too many years of my life passed in joyless drudgery, and it wasn't because I was a mother or wife. It was because I didn't know how to live with confidence on a daily basis. It was because I didn't see.
